586 Things NOT To Do At Hogwarts
by WanderingChild24601
Summary: As the title suggests...


1. I will not poke Hufflepuffs with spoons, nor will I insist that their House colours indicate that they are "covered

in bees".

2. No matter how good a fake Australian accent I can do, I will not imitate Steve Irwin during Care of Magical

Creatures class.

3. "I've heard every possible joke about Oliver Wood's name" is not a challenge.

4. Putting up Doug Henning posters in Filch's office is not appropriate.

5. I will not go to class sky clad.

6. The Giant Squid is not an appropriate date to the Yule Ball.

7. I will not use Umbridge's quill to write, "I told you I was hardcore".

8. I will stop referring to showering as "giving Moaning Myrtle an eyeful".

9. I will not insist the house elves serve fried snake to the Slytherins.

10. If a classmate falls asleep, I will not take advantage of that fact and draw a Dark Mark on their arm.

11. House elves are not acceptable replacements for Bludgers.

12. Starting a betting pool on the fate of this year's Defence Against Dark Arts teacher is tasteless and tacky, not a

clever moneymaking concept.

13. Seamus Finnegan is not "after me Lucky Charms".

14. I will not refer to the Weasley twins as "bookends".

15. I will not tie-dye all of the owls.

16. I will not re-enact Harry Potter Puppet Pals in the Great Hall

17. Or anywhere else for that matter.

18. I will not shave Mrs. Norris.

19. I will not refer to the Patil twins as "bookends".

20. I will not write all my essays in red ink claiming it is blood.

21. I will not ask Lupin if it his time of the month.

22. I will not provide Luna Lovegood with Coast to Coast AM transcripts.

23. I will not bring a Magic Eight Ball to Divination class.

24. I am not allowed to tell Hufflepuffs there is no Santa Clause.

25. I am not allowed to refer to myself as the New Dark Lord.

26. I am not a sloth Animagus.

27. I am not allowed to steal Professor Flitwicks wand, hold it over my head and laugh as he tries to reach it.

28. I am not allowed to have a reticulated python, snow leopard, Tasmanian devil, or piranha.

29. I do not weight the same as a duck.

30. Remus Lupin does not want a flea collar.

31. I am not allowed to wear death eater robes to dinner and shout Long live Lord Voldemort because I think its funny.

32. I will not kiss Trevor.

33. I will stop asking the Arithmancy teacher what the square root of -1 is.

34. Skiving Snackboxes are not a suitable gift for first-years.

35. Any resemblance between Dementors and Nazgul is coincidental.

36. I am not allowed to sneak into Professor Snape's private chambers to watch him sing I Will Survive in the mirror, as

it is disturbing.

37. I will not mock Dumbledore with exaggerated limb movements.

38. I am not allowed to draw a smiley face on my arm and tell everyone its the new Dark Mark.

39. Asking "How do you keep a Gryffindor in suspense?" and walking away is only funny the first time.

40. I will not offer to pose nude for Colin Creevey.

41. I will not insist that the trees in the Forbidden Forest are Ent wives.

42. It is a bad idea to tell Professor Snape he takes himself too seriously.

43. It is a bad idea to tell Professor McGonagall she takes herself too seriously.

44. I am not to Owl copies of the Evil Overlord List to suspected Death Eaters.

45. I will not offer to prepare tandoori owl.

46. I will stop asking when we will learn to make "Love Potion Number Nine".

47. I will not ask Dumbledore to show me the pointy hat trick.

48. I will not ask Ginny how to properly strangle a chicken.

49. If Ginny Weasley wanted to borrow my Darkover books, she would have said so already.

50. I will not take out a life insurance policy on Harry Potter.

51. Sirius Black did not found the Sirius Cybernetics Corporation.

52. I will not draw an H on Percy Weasley's forehead.

53. Filch does not have a sister named Magenta.

54. I will refrain from wearing black leather gloves at all times and saying "Hogwarts is mother, Hogwarts is father".

55. Black Phoenix Alchemy Lab does not sell potions ingredients, and I will not resell their products as "Veela

Pheromones".

56. I will not refer to the Slytherin dorms as "the Tremere chantry".

57. The Malfoy's are not Draka.

58. Hogwarts does not have a student council. Even if it did, they would not wear the rose seal. Therefore I will cease

going after the prefects with a sword.

59. Richard Upton Pickman did not paint The Fat Lady.

60. I will not refer to Umbridge as Queen of the Toads, even if she really is.

61. I will not sweep the Gryffindor common room with Harry Potter's prized Firebolt.

62. The Giant Squid has never made an appearance in any hentai film.

63. It is wrong to refer to Aragog as "Charlotte".

64. Professor Flitwick's first name in not Yoda.

65. I will not refer to the hippogriff as "Horseybird".

66. I am no longer allowed to use the words "pimp cane" in front of Draco Malfoy.

67. -Or any other Slytherin.

68. I will not "borrow" a prefects' badge for Peeves.

69. I am not the Defence Against the Boring Classes Professor.

70. -Nor am I the Care of Witches Underwear Professor.

71. -I am not a Professor, at all.

72. I will not replace Madam Pomfrey's Skele-Gro with pumpkin juice.

73. -I will not replace Professor Snape's pumpkin juice with Skele-Gro.

74. -It was not an honest mistake.

74. I will not swap Draco's broom with one out of Filch's broom cupboard.

76. I am no longer allowed in the student laundry.

77. -Or the teacher laundry.

78. Nor am I allowed to ever cast an Invisibility charm again.

79. While wand safety is an important issue, I am no longer allowed to distribute any pamphlet, which makes reference

to Belinda the Buttless.

80. It is generally accepted that Cats and Dragons cannot interbreed and I should not attempt to disprove this theory,

no matter how wicked the result would be.

81. I will not give any girl a one half of a set of two-way mirrors as a Christmas present.

82. -Especially if I don't tell her what it is.

83. Gryffindor courage does not come in bottles labelled Firewhiskey.

84. -Charming the label does not change anything.

85. I am not allowed to eat Chocolate Frogs in Potions class.

86. -Even if I brought enough for everyone.

87. -Emptying a bag full of them onto Professor Snape's desk to prove this last is unacceptable behaviour.

88. Peeves may not countermand any of my professors' or prefects' orders.

89. No matter what Professor Umbridge may tell me to the contrary, I am not authorized to form press gangs.

90. Chemistry and Potions don't mix.

91. -Testing this last is not funny.

92. Crucifixes do not ward off Slytherins, and I should not test that.

93. May not mock Professor Umbridge in front of the press.

94. I may not speak Latin in front of the books.

95. The proper way to report to Professor McGonagall is "You wanted to see me, Professor?" Not "I have it on good

authority that you have no evidence."

96. May not insinuate that all beautiful American exchange students to Gryffindor or Slytherin House in Harry Potter's

Year are Lockhart's misbegotten heirs, even if it's true.

97. I am not possessed by the ghost of Lady Macbeth.

98. -Neither is The Fat Lady.

99. When someone accuses me of not wearing any drawers, I should ignore them. Attempting to prove them wrong is

indecent.

100. -Especially if I can't.

101. If someone's House Badge is green and mine is purple, it means they are in Slytherin House. It does not mean "The

Sorting Hat thinks they're dumber than me."

102. Using the Engorgio charm on certain parts of the human anatomy is not permitted on the school grounds, not even

for entertainment purposes.

103. Professor Snape does not enjoy being called "Snookums".

104. -Neither does he respond favourably to "Sev", "Snapey-Poo" or "Debbie".

105. First years are not to be fed to Fluffy.

106. Hagrid does not have relationships with magical creatures, and I should stop implying that he does.

107. I am not authorised to sell incriminating pictures of the faculty to students.

108. -Giving the same pictures out free of charge is also frowned upon.

109. Dumbledore is not Santa, he does not wish for me to sit on his knee and demand presents, especially not in June.

110. House Elf stew is not on the Hogwarts menu, neither is Niffler Curry, so I should stop asking.

111. A wand is for magic only; it is not for picking noses, playing snooker, or drumming on desks, no matter how bored

I become.

112. It is inappropriate to slip sample bottles of Selsun Blue into Professor Snape's personal post-box.

113. I will stop referring to Hufflepuffs as "cannon fodder."

114. I will not impersonate the Swedish Chef in Potions class.

115. I will not greet Professor McGonagall with "What's new, pussycat?"

116. My headmaster's name is Albus Dumbledore, not "Gandalf."

117. Neville is not my valet.

118. When given a directive by my house prefect, I should not insist that "we don't need no stinking badges."

119. First-years should not be encouraged to befriend the Whomping Willow.

120. I will not threaten the Fat Lady with Dip.

121. House ghosts do not regularly "slime" anyone.

122. Novelty or holiday-themed ties are not to be worn with my school uniform.

123. There is no "open-mike night" at Hogwarts.

124. I will not use my socks to make hand puppets of the Slytherin house mascot.

125. There is no bring a muggle to school day.

126. And I should stop insisting there is.

127. I should not ask Professor McGonagall if, while in cat form, she has ever coughed up a hairball.

128. I must not spread rumours that Lucius Malfoy is, was, or ever will be known in Death Eater circles as "Dobby's

Homeboys."

129. The fact that Draco Malfoy is short, blond, pale-eyed and rat-faced is no reason for me to tell the Slytherins

that Peter Pettigrew should be paying Narcissa child support.

130. I will not say that Harry Potter's godfather has "taken the veil."

131. When fighting Death Eaters in the annual June battle of Good v. Evil, I will not lift my wand skyward and shout,

"There can be only ONE!"

132. I will not refer to any Death Eaters as "Trixie.

133. -Even if it is a legitimate nickname.

134. I will not tell the Muggleborn first-years that the Forbidden Forest's real name is Mirkwood.

135. I must not start a "Vetinari for Minister of Magic" campaign.

136. I am not to conjure the words "DRINK ME" onto the vial of any potion in Snape's classroom.

137. I should not tell anyone that Dean Thomas's nickname is John.

138. I will not go to any fundamentalist websites and argue that Voldemort is a direct contradiction of the concept of

"intelligent design.

139. The next time that I see Rita Skeeter, I am not to threaten her with a can of Raid.

140. Should I chance to see a Death Eater wearing a white mask, I should not start singing anything from "Phantom of

the Opera.

141. I should not refer to DADA professors as "canaries in the coal mine.

142. I will not say the phrase "Dude, get a life." to Lord Voldemort.

143. I will not put books of muggle fairy tales in the history section of the library.

144. I will not send pictures of magical creatures to the Weekly World News.

145. I will not cover myself in ectoplasm and walk out of a fireplace, saying I took the "Flu Network".

146. I will not refer to "The Grim" as a nice doggy.

147. I will not refer to Professor Lupin as a nice doggy.

148. I will not ask Professor Sprout where the Jolly Green Giant is.

149. I will not subvert the lock on the fourth-floor girls' bathroom and sell its location to first-years as "The

Chamber of Secrets".

150. I am not permitted to utter the line: "Hey, Rocky, watch me pull a ___ out of my hat!" during Charms class.

151. There is not now, nor has there ever been, a fifth House at Hogwarts, and I am not a member of that house, nor am

I its founder.

152. When applying for a post at the Ministry of Magic after graduation, I should not cite "Fred and George Weasley" as

my greatest influence at Hogwarts.

153. Putting down "Lord Voldemort" is probably not best either.

154. I am not allowed to ink my owl's feet, have it walk across a parchment, and sell the result as cheat sheets for

Ancient Runes, even though Crabbe and Goyle keep falling for it.

155. I will not refer to the Accio charm as "The Force".

156. I will no longer wear a hood, walk up to Harry, and claim to be his real mother.

157. I will not enchant the telescopes on the Astronomy Tower to display non-existent constellations during O.W.L.

exams.

158. Albus Dumbledore's proper title is "Headmaster", not "My Liege".

159. A Muggle "vacuum cleaner" is not acceptable Quidditch equipment, even if it has been enchanted to fly.

160. Hogsmeade village is not "a wretched hive of scum and villainy.

161. Sending rings to the nine senior faculty at Yuletide, with the return address "Voldemort", is not funny.

162. Professor McGonagall does not have an inappropriate relationship with Mrs. Norris.

163. I will not create a pin-up calendar of the Slytherin girls and call it "Voldie's Angels".

164. Professor Flitwick has heard all the "swish and flick" jokes before, and is very, very tired of them.

165. I will not send Professor Snape toothpaste and Shampoo for Christmas.

166. I will not tell Professor Trelawney that I prophesied her death.

167. I will also not tell Professor Trelawney that I had a vision of her killing the Dark Lord.

168. I will not refer to Professor McGonagall as Catwoman, no matter how funny she would look in tight leather.

169. -Nor will I ask her if she is Catwoman in disguise.

170. I am not to ask if Lord Voldemort is secretly Hitler or Osama bin Laden.

171. I will not use Slytherin and Gryffindor first years as Christmas decorations.

172. I will not die the Death Eaters robes pink.

173. Humming/singing/referring in any way to Duran Duran's "Hungry Like the Wolf" around Professor Lupin is

inappropriate. It's best not to bring up "Thriller", either.

174. Insisting that the school acquire computers and network the buildings is a pointless request as they claim that a

quill and parchment is sufficient.

175. Calling the Ghostbusters is a cruel joke to play on the resident ghosts and poltergeists.

176. Taking red paint and writing creepy messages on the walls is not funny, either.

177. If asked in class what the Avada Kedavra curse does, yelling "It does DEATH!" may be correct but is not the manner

in which one should answer.

178. Not allowed out of my dorm when visitors from the Ministry are here.

179. I am not allowed to eat lollipops within Professor Snape's sight ever again.

180. I will never again use the spell used to enchant bludgers on peas.

181. -Or tomatoes, plums, oranges, or any other food item. Or any other item that is not a Bludger.

182. I may not have a private army.

183. -Not even if it technically belongs to someone else.

184. I should not encourage the house-elves to unionize.

185. I must stop referring to the professors by the embarrassing nicknames they acquired in their school days.

186. I must not substitute chocolate-flavoured laxative for Professor Lupin's prescription-strength chocolate.

187. Nor am I to in any way substitute, alter, hide, or otherwise tamper with Professor Dumbledore's candy.

188. "Y'all check this-here shit out!" is not an appropriate way to announce that you are about to perform an

experimental spell.

189. Portable Swamps are not funny.

190. Revel fires are to be danced around. It is not appropriate to dispose of old love letters or other sensitive

documents in them.

191. Bubotubers are not filled with tasty honey, and it is wrong to tell First Years that they are.

192. Ravenclaws do not find a sign saying, "The library is closed for an indefinite time period" amusing in any sense.

193. Mad-Eye Moody knows his eye is creepy, he does not need to be told... again.

194. Stealing first-years' clothing and then tossing it into and around the whomping willow is highly frowned at.

195. Mrs. Norris does not like playing with blast-ended skrewts.

196. Sneaking slugs into Ron's food is not funny. He does not like being reminded of his incident.

197. Trying to out-argue a Slytherin will lead to no good.

198. Despite popular belief, Hufflepuffs are not soft and squishy. Do not treat them as such.

199. I am not the wicked witch of the west.

200. -I will not refer to Professor Umbridge as such either.

201. I will not melt if water is poured over me.

202. -Neither will Professor Umbridge.

203. I do not have a Cyberman Patronus.

204. I am not a Wirn animagus, either.

205. I will not ask Aragog if he came from Metabelis III.

206. -Or if he has any pretty blue crystals.

207. "Nessie is actually a cyborg created by the Zygons" is not an appropriate thing to say in Care of Magical

Creatures Class.

208. While it is appropriate to refer to Voldemort as "Master" while in his service, Voldemort and The Master are not

one and the same.

209. I cannot substitute Prydonian robes for my Hogwarts uniform.

210. -Nor can my winter scarf be longer than standard issue.

211. I cannot attempt to recreate the Key to Time in Transfiguration class.

212. -Or transform a pepper pot into a Dalek.

213. Lucius Malfoy is not my "sugar daddy" and I will not claim he is.

214. -That goes double when Draco Malfoy is within earshot.

215. A time turner is not a flux capacitator, and I should therefore not install one in any Muggle cars.

216. "To conquer the earth with an army of flying monkeys" is not an appropriate career choice.

217. I will not levitate everywhere in a big pink bubble.

218. My professors have neither the time, nor the inclination to hear about what I did with six boxes of Sugar Quills.

219. No part of the school uniform is edible.

220. -Not allowed to make any part of the school uniform edible.

221. Not allowed to take house points from firsties for "being too goddamned short".

222. Never, ever, attempt to correct Professor Moody about anything.

223. I must not refer to Headmaster Dumbledore as "Mum".

224. -Nor Professor Snape.

225. Not allowed to use silencing charms on my Professors.

226. -Not allowed to use silencing charms my Prefects.

227. -Not allowed to use silencing charms, period.

228. Not allowed to prophesy the end of the world more than once.

229. Will not offer to sell Hagrid new creatures.

230. -Especially not if I actually have them.

231. Madame Hooch's name is just that, a name. Will not ask her to share.

232. -Also will not ask her to fly under the influence.

233. Will not try to recreate the Whomping Willow in herbology class.

234. Astronomy class will not cause me to be abducted by aliens.

235. Will not charm Hermione's time turner to rotate every half-hour.

236. If the thought of a spell makes me giggle for longer than 15 seconds, I am to assume that I am not allowed to do

it.

237. I am not allowed to charm the words Ferret Boy onto Draco's forehead.

238. I will not sell tickets to get into the Chamber of Secrets.

239. Especially if it is only a one-way ticket.

240. Singing 99 Bottles of Potion on the wall nonstop repeatedly will result in a detention.

241. Playgirl and Playboy are not on the reading list for muggle studies.

242. Woad and other camouflage/body paints are not needed for DADA.

243. I may not challenge prefects to Meet me on the Quidditch field, at dawn.

244. I shouldn't throw Fanged-Frisbees in the Great Hall.

245. I shouldn't use Photoshop to create incriminating photos of my house prefects or tutors.

246. I should not confess to crimes that took place before I was born, even if I have access to a time turner.

247. I should not show up at the front gate wearing part of another houses uniform, messily drunk.

248. -Even if my prefect did it.

249. I will not only wear "Wizard hat, open robe & tie" and call it an authorized uniform.

250. Teaching exchange students to taunt other Hufflepuffs is not nice.

251. When detained by Dementors, I do not have a right to a strip search.

252. Do not dare first years to eat bugs. They will always do it.

253. I will not refer to McGonagall as "the cat-girl.

254. - Nor will I attempt to stop her transformation part way through.

255. - The same goes for Hermione.

256. I will not hand red shirts to the new DADA professor and claim that they're the standard uniform for the

position.

257. I will not use invisibility charms on anyone's clothing.

258. I will not enchant the Golden Snitch to fly up the nearest fan's nose.

259. I do not know the Avada Kedavra curse, and pretending I do to people who annoy me is not funny, no matter how much

they injure themselves diving for cover.

260. I will not test my Potions assignments by spiking Snape's drink with them.

261. - Especially not all of them at once.

262. I will not try to hock off my old piercings as "priceless Muggle artefacts."

263. I will not claim my X-Files tapes are "Auror Training Videos.

264. It doesn't matter if he is going on vacation; I will not comment about how the Minister of Magic is "packing.

265. The Giant Squid is not to be referred to as 'my lord Cthulhu', nor am I allowed to sacrifice first years to it on

the new moon.

266. I will not attempt to set up a mobile phone mast on the Astronomy Tower.

267. - Likewise the satellite dish.

268. The Slytherin Gift to Virgins is fictional, and I should not be asking Draco Malfoy or any of the other Slytherin

boys if they've mastered it yet.

269. The Muggle known as George W. Bush is not related to or working for Lord Voldemort in any way, and I am to stop

insinuating that he is.

270. I will stop sending Professor Snape forged love notes that appear to be from Professor Lupin.

271. I will stop asking Professor Lupin exactly what goes on between him and Professor Snape when he brings him the

Wolfsbane potion every month.

272. Luna Lovegood does not have pointed ears, nor is she to be addressed as 'Galadriel'.

273. Lucius Malfoy also does not have pointed ears, nor is he to be addressed as 'Haldir'.

274. Professor Snape definitely does not have pointed ears, and under no circumstances is he to be addressed as

'Spock'.

275. I will stop substituting Professor Lupin's Wolfsbane with Polyjuice Potion containing hairs from Mrs. Norris.

276. I am not to stare at the Great Hall ceiling during dinner in the winter and cry 'My god, it's full of stars!'

277. I am not to sing 'We're off to see the wizard, the wonderful wizard of Oz!' when sent to the Headmaster's

office'.

278. - I am definitely not to sing it accompanied by the house elves acting as a backing group.

279. -Especially not with kazoos.

280. The research and manufacture of mind-altering substances will not gain me extra credit in Potions.

281. I am not able to see the Grim Reaper, nor am I to claim that he is standing by the Headmaster, tapping an

hourglass and looking at him impatiently. Or, for that matter, Harry Potter.

282. When being interrogated by a member of staff, I am not to wave my hand and announce 'These are not the droids you

are looking for'.

283. Thestrals do not resemble the Muggle toys known as 'My Little Pony'.

284. I am not to hold my wand in the air before casting spells and shout 'I... GOT... THE... POWER!'

285. I am not a Vampire Slayer and Professor Lupin is not my Watcher.

286. -I am not to attempt to stake Professor Snape.

287. When Death Eaters are attacking Hogsmeade, I shall not point at the Dark Mark and shout 'To the Batmobile,

Robin!'

288. - Or 'Thunder, Thunder, Thunder, THUNDERCATS, HO!'

289. Professor Flitwick is not to be referred to as the 'Dungeon Master'.

290. I will not try to convert my housemates to Christianity.

291. -Or Wicca.

292. -This does not mean that my religious rights are being violated.

293. I am not allowed to hit Bludgers at spectators.

294. -Or the referee.

295. I will not commit crimes and then say I was under the Imperius curse.

296. I will not insult people and then say I was given Veritaserum.

297. -I will not give people Veritaserum.

298. The four Houses are not the Morons, the Borons, the Smartasses and the Junior Death Eaters.

299. Albus Dumbledore is not my personal Jesus.

300. -Neither is Professor Snape.

301. I am not authorized to negotiate a peace treaty with Voldemort.

302. The house elves are not there to do my homework.

303. Neither are the ghosts.

304. I am not a magical creature.

305. I am not the reincarnation of Merlin.

306. I am not Voldemort's illegitimate love child.

307. Professor Snape did not kill my father and does not deserve to die.

308. Seamus Finnegan does not have a pot of gold under his bed.

309. -Or under his robe.

310. I will not follow potion instructions in reverse order 'to see what happens'.

311. Grindewald is not my role model.

312. -Neither is Voldemort.

313. I will not cast 'Petrificus Totalus' on myself in order to avoid going to classes.

314. I am not allowed to Accio the clothing of any person while they are wearing it.

315. -Including my own.

316. I am not allowed to organize a witch burning, even if I have been assigned to do a presentation on Muggle history

in my Muggle Studies class.

317. I will not accept anything edible from a Weasley.

318. "All's fair in love and war" is not an official rule of Hogwarts.

319. I will not attempt to confuse Crabbe and Goyle by calling them by each other's names.

320. I will not attempt to make Professor's Trelawney's predictions come true.

321. Professor Snape's problem is not that "he needs to get laid".

322. Draco Malfoy is not a ferret animagus.

323. Despite my personal beliefs, Quidditch would not improved by the introduction of muggle firearms.

324. -Though they are doubtless more athletic, battle-axes are not acceptable either.

325. Even if I myself to do not believe in it, I will respect that the school observes daylight savings time.

326. Providing Peeves with a case of dungbombs was a socially irresponsible action, and I will not do it again.

327. Shouting random Latin phrases while waving my wand is not acceptable charms research.

328. Regardless of how much Professor Snape's hair might annoy me, it is inappropriate to sneak into his room at night

and shave it off.

329. -Likewise, it is unkind to make the aforementioned hair into a wig and wear it to potions class.

330. -Nobody cares that it makes me feel "pretty".

331. Robes are appropriate school wear. Bathrobes are not.

332. Hogwarts does not require a karaoke machine.

333. I will not claim there is a prequel to Hogwarts, A History that explains about Bilbo Baggins.

334. I will not use the Marauder's Map for stalking purposes.

335. "OMGWTF" is not a spell.

336. Cornelius Fudge does not appreciate being called "Fudgie the Whale.

337. Shouting "Accio Dobby!" is not the proper way to get house-elf assistance.

338. I will not go into Dumbledore's pensieve looking for graphic faculty smut.

339. It is not necessary for me to yell "BURN!" every time Snape takes points away from Gryffindor.

340. "Defying my will" is not a crime worthy of life in Azkaban, and I should not tell that to the first-years.

341. The fact that there are only three unforgivable curses does not mean that every other curse is "pretty much

forgivable".

342. I will not, under any circumstances, ask Harry Potter who died and made him boss.

343. I am not allowed to introduce Peeves to paintballing.

344. I am not allowed to scare the first-years by screaming "I'm melting! I'm meeeeeeeeeeeltiiing!" while they are in

the showers.

345. I am not allowed to forget my Omnioculars in either the boys' or the girl's bathroom. Especially not while they

are in recording mode.

346. I am not allowed to leave the catnip out in Professor McGonagall's class.

347. I will not speak to Professor Snape with a Transylvanian accent.

348. I am not allowed to ask Professor Dumbledore if the size of his beard is 'compensating for something'.

349. I will not give Professor McGonagall catnip, hairball medicine or string for Christmas, no matter how much I think

she will like them.

350. I will not cast the occasional Oblivate spell on Dumbledore. Even if it would be amusing.

351. -Not even if I want to try to convince others he's going senile

352. I will not ask if Professor Lupin has had all his shots, such as rabies. Nor will I ask it of Professor

McGonagall.

353. I will not start a rumour saying that Professor Snape sings "I'm too sexy for my robes" while showering. Or for

that matter doing any other activity.

354. Enchanting the Sorting Hat to sort new students into the House of Martok, or any other Klingon house is

forbidden.

355. Telling people that Professor Snape is an animagus and turns into a snake is not recommended.

356. Please do not tell 1st years that the fried chicken is really Kentucky Fried Owl.

357. I will not get a muggle tattoo artist to tattoo the Dark Mark on any part of my body.

358. I will not tell 1st year Hufflepuffs that the Dark Lord eats Hufflepuffs for breakfast. Or any other meal. And

then tell them that if they inform anyone of the warning the Dark Lord will choose them next.

359. Singing "Wild Thing, you make my heart sing" whenever you see Professor Lupin is not allowed, even though he likes

it.

360. Please stop telling 1st years about the time the Hogwarts Christmas tree ate a student.

361. I am not to "walk on water" in front of muggles.

362. I will not compel Seamus Finnegan to pursue people asking them for their Lucky Charms.

363. I am not to tell Sir Cadogan that the Knights of Ni have challenged him to a duel and then have my friends/other

people to call Ni from various directions.

364. Draco Malfoy is not a vampire.

365. -Especially not a vampire named 'Spike'.

366. Watching "The Food Network" is not equivalent to sitting NEWT-level Potions classes.

367. Pinning Confederate flags to the backs of Death Eater masks is not wise.

368. Voldemort does not wish to appear in a Visine commercial.

369. -Or as the 'before' for a line of cosmetics.

370. Hogwarts is in the UK, thus the United States Constitution does not apply to any of its students. Therefore,

'Avada Kedavra' does not fall under First Amendment freedom of speech rights.

371. The ceiling of the Great Hall would not look better as an Omni IMAX dome.

372. Calling Voldemort "Baldemort" is inappropriate.

373. When called upon in class, I shall not insist that the correct answer to everything is '42'.

374. I will not create a betting pool on that Voldemort is Harry Potter's father.

375. Asking Professor Snape if a house ever fell on his sister is wrong.

376. -So is asking him where he keeps his flying monkeys and if I could touch them.

377. Headmaster Dumbledore is of no relation to Willy Wonka.

378. I cannot be a Heffalump animagus.

379. Cannot lock the Slytherins and Gryffindors in a room together and take bets on which house will come out alive.

380. Mr. Weasley's flying car is not to be taken apart piece by piece and rebuilt inside Snape's classroom.

381. Cannot charm all dictionaries to have: "Gryffindor" as the definition of "gullible.

382. Professor Snape's proper given name is not Princess Silvermoon Fairywing GlimmerMcSparkles.

383. Robes are not optional.

384. Announcing "Remember: Save a broomstick! Ride a wizard!" is not an appropriate way to conclude a Quidditch match.

385. There is no such thing as the "Hufflepuff Marshmallow Man".

386. -Even if I do conjure him up.

387. Leaving mash notes signed "Your secret admirer, Harry" in Neville Longbottom's books is both unfunny and cruel.

388. I will not sing the "Beverly Hillbillies" theme song when the Weasley family passes by.

389. -Or the "Hee-Haw" theme song.

390. -Or "Eight is Enough".

391. Asking the Weasley twins, "So do you do everything together?" is ill advised.

392. Telling Lucius what he could do with his staff... is not advisable.

393. I will not ask the school to sponsor a break dancing crew.

394. Voldemort, after being defeated, did not get served.

395. Getting Colin Creevey drunk and steering him toward a sleeping Harry Potter is just a bad idea all around.

396. -Then using his camera to take incriminating photos is not nice.

397. Coming up behind Harry while he and Draco are glowering at each other and saying "Oh, go on and kiss him already!"

is not funny.

398. -Even if Luna Lovegood does say, "Yes, I thought so too."

399. I am not a Balrog animagus.

400. The house never did fall on Professor Umbridge's sister, nor is she suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder

as a result.

401. I may not try to find out if any of the owls are David Bowie in animagus form.

402. I will not ask people what their daemons are.

403. I will not offer Professor McGonagall lasagne.

404. I will not tell the Ravenclaws that they're basically useless because Hogwart's smartest student is in another

house.

405. I will not call Pizza Hut and ask them to deliver to the common room.

406. I will not poison first years. No matter how much I think they need it.

407. It is not appropriate trade first years between houses.

408. I will not tempt Ravenclaws with apples. I will also not say that the Slytherins have tempted other students with

apples.

409. Frankenstein is not required reading for DADA classes.

410. -Neither is Dracula.

411. I will not try to explain the laws of physics, not even for the sake of argument.

412. If I even look like I might sing "I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves" I will be Obliviated.

413. Using the 'Petrificus Totalus' curse on Draco Malfoy and dumping him in the Gryffindor common room as a Christmas

present to the House means you should watch your back until June.

414. -Especially if the Weasley twins were staying over break.

415. -If Lee Jordan was there too, you're going to need a bodyguard.

416. I will not claim to be able to see the Thestrals if I cannot.

417. -I will not tell first years that "any true wizard or witch" can see Thestrals, and that if they can't they

"obviously aren't cut out for this school".

418. I am not to tell Muggleborn first-years that Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Beans taste better when one eats a whole

handful simultaneously.

419. I will not take out a life insurance policy on any Hogwarts Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher.

420.I will not attempt to repel Dementors by covering myself in chocolate body paint.

421. I will not sneak up behind Draco and Harry while they are in their Staring Snarky Yelling Matches and yell, "SLASH

SLASH SLASH! LET'S SEE SOME SLASH!"

422. I will not give Hagrid Pokémon cards and convince him that they are real animals

423. -Likewise, I will not tell First Year Muggle-borns that Pokémon battles are a part of the Care of Magical Creatures

curriculum

424. I am not qualified to perform exorcisms on Hogwarts ghosts, and attempting to do so will merely offend them.

425. Draco Malfoy is not the secret identity of "Ferret Boy".

426. Harry Potter and Ron Weasley are not the magical equivalent of "Batman and Robin".

427. Telling Draco Malfoy to "make like a ferret and bounce" is always a bad idea.

428. The Crucible is not summer reading for History of Magic, and I should not tell First Years that it is.

429. "You might be a Pureblood if..." jokes will get me in trouble, especially in front of Slytherins.

430. I will not play the Darth Vader theme for Professor Snape.

431. - However, when Lucius Malfoy visits, I may play it.

432. The bludger is not a bowling ball, and Professor Snape is not a bowling pin. I will not attempt to prove

otherwise.

433. If I insist on carrying out my plans of producing "Riddle-de-dee: The Voldemort Musical", I will do so under a

nom-de-plume.

434. - I will not attempt to recruit the title character to play himself. Even if he looks good in tap shoes.

435. The Slytherin prefect is named Draco Malfoy, not "Rocky Horror.

436. -Transfiguring Draco Malfoy's uniform into a gold thong is inappropriate.

437. -Especially if he's wearing it.

438. Crabbe and Goyle should not be referred to as "Bulk and Skull". "Dumb and Dumber" is equally inappropriate.

439. -I should not refer to Malfoy, Crabbe and Goyle collectively as "Team Rocket" either.

440. Comparing Draco Malfoy to Alex Krycek, Lindsay McDonald, Lex Luthor or any similar character is not an appropriate

subject for a Muggle Studies essay.

441. I will not attempt to determine whether Malfoy is a natural blond.

442. Malfoy, Crabbe and Goyle's first names are, respectively, Draco, Vincent and Gregory, not Larry, Darryl and

Darryl.

443. The Slytherin Quidditch team should not be referred to as "Draco Malfoy and a moderate amount of cross-dressing".

444. -Even if that is an accurate description.

445. The song "Ding Dong, The Witch is Dead" is never, ever appropriate.

446. "Springtime for Voldemort" is not an acceptable suggestion for the class play.

447. I am not allowed to spank others.

448. -Even if Malfoy liked it.

449. No matter how vast the uses and entertaining the results, I will not indulge in fun with duct tape.

450. -This goes double for superglue.

451. I am not to dance naked in the great hall.

452. -Or on the grounds.

453. -Generally, dancing naked is wrong.

454. Despite the appearances of the employees and the vaults, Gringotts is not the entrance to the Labyrinth.

455. -While in the company of goblins, I must not demand that I be taken to Jareth.

456. -Nor shall I tell them "You remind me of the babe.

457. Draco Malfoy no longer requires a nanny, nor does he need tucking in and "a bit of a cuddle" at bedtime.

458. - Not even if he insists that he does. And that his father has hired me to provide said service.

459. I am not to call Hogwarts "the most covert anti-Death Eater organization on the planet.

460. The Easter Bunny is not Jesus' Animagus form.

461. I am not allowed to ask Pureblood students things like, "If your parents got divorced, would they still be brother

and sister?"

462. I am not allowed to discuss my theory that Voldemort is actually the second cousin of Sauron.

463. I will not tell first years that they should build a tree house in the Whomping Willow.

464. I will not write forged letters home to the parents of Muggleborn first years detailing the Satanic rituals they

are learning.

465. I will not ask Dobby why he doesn't look more like Orlando Bloom.

466. - Nor will I ask him if he works for Santa Claus in the off-season.

467. I will not invite Professor Snape to a midnight showing of "The Rocky Horror Picture Show".

468. -The same goes double for Voldemort.

469. -Likewise, I will no longer be permitted to refer to Lucius Malfoy and Bellatrix Lestrange as Riff Raff and

Magenta.

470. -Especially to their faces.

471. I will stop pasting happy face stickers on Lupin's office door.

472. Draco Malfoy does not appreciate being called 'Ferret Boy'

473. -Or 'The Blond Boy Wonder'

474. Hagrid's skin is not green and I should stop calling him 'The Jolly Green Giant.'

475. Sending love notes to Professor Snape and signing them 'With Love, Draco Malfoy' is not appropriate.

476. -Neither is signing them with: 'I had a great time last night, Argus Filch.'.

477. Breaking into song during Potions class is not acceptable.

478. -Especially if the song is 'I feel pretty, oh so pretty'.

479. Or 'I'm too sexy'.

480. I am not a 'ninja sent here by Lord Voldemort to destroy Harry Potter' and should stop shouting this at meal

times.

481. Lucius Malfoy's cane is not a 'pimp cane'.

482. I must never sneak up behind Draco Malfoy and coo "How's my Blondie-Bear?"

483. Teaching first years to chorus in unison "The amazing bouncing ferret" whenever they hear the name Draco Malfoy is

just wrong, funny, but wrong.

484. It's not tasteful to approach Cho wearing a shirt that says `All the good-looking ones die young` with a picture

of Cedric Diggory on it.

485. I am not to tell Draco that I know all about his affair with Hermione Granger.

486. -Especially if it's not true.

487. -I also cannot sell the story to Rita Skeeter.

488. -Or owl Lucius, Narcissa, or Bellatrix with the imaginary details

489. A ferret is not a proper Christmas gift for Draco Malfoy.

490. -Asking Mad-Eye Moody to turn Malfoy back into a ferret so I could keep him as a pet was not appropriate, either.

491. -Giving Draco a bowl of ferret pellets with his dinner was not an act of kindness, nor was it funny.

492. Voldemort is not my homeboy.

493. No matter how creepy and abandoned some of the towers are, I will not find Johnny Depp with scissors for hands in

any of them.

494. Asking Harry how his parents are doing is just cruel.

495. Repeat: Draco and Harry are not secret lovers. Draco and Harry are not secret lovers.

496. Don't tell Gryffindors and Hufflepuffs that Lucius Malfoy goes around singing "Dance, Dark Lord, Dance".

497. I will not tell Ron and Hermione to get a room every time they start fighting.

498. -Nor will I say this to Harry and Snape.

499. -Or Harry and Draco.

500. Draco Malfoy does not smell almost subliminally of summer peaches.

501. Bungee jumping off the astronomy tower is against the rules, even if it isn't written anywhere.

502. Using Love potion number nine on people are illegal. Therefore I should not make Harry fall in love with Pansy

Parkinson. Again.

does not take singing requests, therefore I should stop asking him to sing "Tearing Up My Heart"

504. -or any other songs

505. this list being used as a checklist is inappropriate, therefore I shouldn't do so

506. I will not refer to Voldemort as "Voldie-Poo"

507. I will not enchant Draco so that he looks Emo/Goth to everyone around him except himself

508.I will not Turn myself into Malfoy (Polly juice potion) and tell everyone in Hogwarts my undying love for Pansy

Parkinson...........again

509. I did not see Malfoy making out with Cho, Crabbe, or Goyle in the girls bathroom, therefore I should not tell Harry

loudly in the great hall.

510. I will not sell the sorting hat for money for cigarettes

511. I will not mix up potions and magic stuff together and make Ron drink it and tell him it is soda that tastes like

that because a bunny made it just for him

512. I will not bring an evil creature from the 8th dimension and call it my pet

513. I won't dress up in a black robe, wear a bald wig and tell people that I'm Voldemort.

514. I won't dress up as the "Dark Magician" or the "Dark Magician Girl" in class.

515. Hogwarts does NOT teach you how to banish people to the "shadow realm".

516. I will not yell "Hey look It's Lord Voldemort!" at Hogsmeade

517. - nor will I yell that there is the dark mark floating over somewhere

518. I will not walk up to Ron and Hermione and say they're the perfect couple

519. - Nor will I tell that to Harry and Ginny

520. - Nor Malfoy and Pansy

521. I will not tease Voldemort about the time he needed his pink flowery teddy bear to comfort him when he had that

bad nightmare about Harry

522. - Nor will I do the same thing with Malfoy and his blanky

523. - Nor Snape with his girly bunny rabbit slippers

524. I will not tell Lockhart that he is actually a dancer who stars in Swan Lake

525. I will not write Moogles instead of Muggles

526. I will not ask harry if I can have a thunder bolt scar too

527. I will not ask Malfoy is Cole his brother

528. - nor Snape

529. Draco is not Billy idol's little brother

530. I will not ask Draco if I can use his face cream531. Saying Voldie is my hero is bad

532. I will not say that Harry has a female counterpart who stars in a kids' education show.

533. -nor will I say that her name is Sharry Spotter.

534. I will not steal Draco's blanky

535. I will not yell I saw Draco and Snape last night! in the great hall or anywhere

536. I will not charm Hermione's cat to jump up and yell Rawr I'm he-who-must-not-be-named!

537. I will not try and get zombies to eat Draco

538. -nor Snape

539.I will not follow anyone around saying "pimp hat" at the most random moments

540. I will not refer to Fred and George as Hikaru and Kaouru

541. Pokémon are not real, therefore I will not convince Hagrid that Pokémon are real animals so that he'll have a

lesson all about Pokémon.

542. I will not call Professor Dumbledore 'Dumbydork'.

543. I will not confuse Voldemort with Xehanort,

544. -nor will I say they are related in any way,

545. -nor mention that their names rhyme.

546. I will not yell, "Harry has a girlfriend! Harry loves Ginny!" in the great hall

547. - nor will I yell, "Ron loves Hermione!" in the great hall

548. I will not charm a poster of Britney Spears on Draco's wall

549: Luna Lovegood is NOT always on "physicidelic mushrooms" and I should stop implying that she is.

550:- the same goes for Professor Trelawney

551:- calling that drug something else changes nothing.

552:-nor does saying they are high on some OTHER drug.

553. I will not tell Dumbledore that there are people outside the books who despise him

554. - nor will I say the same thing to Harry

555. I will not tell Voldemort that he's too freaking lazy to do stuff himself.

556. Cho is not on anti- depressants, nor should I imply that she needs them.

557. Cho's curly haired friend Marietta with her SNEAK pimples is not "before" for a mag.

558. -Rita Skeeter is not "after"

559. Dobby is not Harry's secret lover, no matter how much he wants to be.

560. Saying he's "obviously not good enough..." is just cruel.

561. calling the ASPCA about the way Ron treated Scabbers (wormtail) is pointless, as he is already dead, on the run,

or a accomplice depending on where in the books you

are.

562: I will not send Fainting Fancies to the Slytherin common room without a antidote, and only a card saying "to the

pretty-est girl in the house". Again.

563:I will not blame the Ravenclaw quidditch team for the entire female population of Slytherin being unconscious for no

apparent reason.

564: I will not let my owl claw out the eyes of the Slytherins

565: I will not let my wand run amok and paint everyone's faces purple

566:i am not to call people with freckles "spotted owls"

567: I will not eat liver then throw it up on professor Snape

568: I will not punch the wand boards until they explode

569. I will stop insisting that Snape and Hermione are secret admirers.

570. - Same goes for McGonagall and Dumbledore

571 Nearly headless nick does not approve of being called Casper the Friendly Ghost.

572 The fact that Dudley didn't like his pig tail does not mean I should keep switching to different tails to find one he

likes better.

573 If muggle children near the school WANTED their baseballs replaced with bludgers they would have said.

574 I will not convince everyone that girlnextdoor101 is a horcrux, and that for the sake of the world she MUST die.

575 I will not convince everyone that thegirlnextdoor101 is lord Voldemort after drinking Polyjuice

576 no matter how much I want to, I will not go into Slytherin house, where I will without a doubt find

thegirlnextdoor101 and murder her, then say "sorry harry, she was a death eater-in-training. she and Malfoy were in

this together, but I figured I'd leave him to you.

577 I will not ask real-moody if the real him would turn Malfoy into a ferret just like the fake moody did.

578 if he says yes, I will not ask him to turn thegirlnextdoor101 into a racoon, a naked mole rat, a vole, or any other

rodent.

579 I will not speak out about how in-humane it is to use vanishing charms on living creatures, because imp sure I will

just be told to "get off my soap box"

580 to actually make a soap box to stand on, is inappropriate.

581 the sorcerer's stone is destroyed and even though they are annoying, first year Slytherins should not be told its

still down there, as they all want immortality, and the devils snare gets them every time.

582 no one at Hogwarts will buy Harry's gravy stained napkins and having proved this I will not try selling at Hogsmeade

either.

583 even if interested buyers like Colin Creevey found me at Diagon ally, I shouldn't be selling Harry's gravy stained

napkin.

584 it doesn't matter that he offered me 2 galleons, eleven sickles.

585 I will not use a time turner to hex Malfoy andthegirlnextdoor101 and then have

eye witnesses chip in that they saw me in the place of my alibi

586 I will not bring up and say its an informational website about a

unique breed of diversified creatures, or insist we use the website to learn to care

for them properly


End file.
